Acquired Tastes: Marbury as Othello

Every morning, before I head off to work, I read my daughter Lucia one of Shakespeare's sonnets. While some might accuse me of intentionally setting my little princess up to be an intellectual snob of frightening proportions, let me assure one and all that it's true: I am intentionally steeping my lovely Lucia into some of the finest verses ever minted in the English language. While she might never develop a taste for Shakespearean literature in particular, it is my fondest hope that she will always find herself drawn to good literature in general.

We just finished Sonnet 28. Fantastic stuff!

Equally good is The Onion's article on Stephon Marbury. Like most attempts to use the Bard in a contemporary comedic situation, there's little that can be excerpted as one-liners, but much can be mined from a thorough reading of the entire piece.

Enjoy!

Photo Credits:

Picture of Stephon Marbury as Othello comes courtesy of The Onion.

Acquired Tastes: The Onion Dispatch and Bill Simmons

As the entire family was wiped out by the preternatural cuteness of the assembled grandsons last night at Papalo's 60th birthday party (the picture to your left is one of the few still shots of Juan and cousin Miguel that came out well, from Papa's Portico dinner), I had absolutely no intention of posting anything new. Eyes dulled from lack of sleep and muscles aching from overexertion, I went through the motions of checking my mail and my favorite links when I first came across this:

Vince Carter Hires On-Court Assistant

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—New Jersey Nets shooting guard Vince Carter announced Wednesday that he had hired an on-court assistant to handle all...

This could have been an actual quote from the soulless entertainer masquerading as a ball player that is Vince Carter:

"I'm proud to introduce Miss Juliet Werner, who will be dribbling for me, setting my picks, attempting to get me steals, doing my passing, and all other manner of stuff that's been getting in the way of my shot," Carter said in a press conference held to introduce the 5'4" Werner to the public. "Juliet will be my right hand, especially as I concentrate on dunking with my left in order to become a more complete player."


And then this from Bill Simmons, the Sports Guy:

"After the Celtics inexplicably rolled off a four-game win streak and fell two games behind Memphis for pole position in the Durant/Oden Sweepstakes, I thought about flying back to Boston to kidnap Al Jefferson and stick Paul Pierce with a mononucleosis-infected needle. Instead, I decided to stay home, watch the Rockets-Celts game and jinx the streak with a running diary."

Looks like a good day for sports blogging. Enjoy!

Acquired Tastes: The Onion Dispatch

This is kinda old, but just in case you missed this hilarious snippet from America's Finest News Source, here it is:

Kevin Garnett: 'I Want To Stay In Minnesota Because I Like Losing'

MINNEAPOLIS—Star forward Kevin Garnett reiterated his desire to remain with the third-place 26-30 Timberwolves—the team with which he...

I applaud the surreal humor of the faux Garnett quote: "To me, there is no feeling quite like losing. I've always said that losing is the most important thing, and I feel like I can lose in Minnesota this year as well as for years to come," Garnett said. "Sure, I might have a better chance of losing in Memphis or Milwaukee, but it would just be more special to lose in front of the fans in Minnesota." Enjoy!

Acquired Tastes: The Onion Dispatch

On the heels of my belated basketball post, here comes another, done in the inimitable style of America's Finest News Source:

John Amaechi Comes Out As Former NBA Player

STOCKPORT, ENGLAND—British homosexual John Amaechi sent shockwaves throughout the sporting world last week when he announced, much to the surprise of his family and friends—in addition to NBA players and fans—that he lived a...

Here's a few choice excerpts, which I admit, delighted this longtime hoops fan to no end:

"According to Amaechi, who spent most of his NBA career on the bench and only averaged six points and two rebounds per game, he knew at an early age that he was different from all the "normal players" when he went undrafted out of college, was unnoticed during his first season in which he only played 28 games, and was never involved with guns, drugs, or shifty agents. Amaechi claims he never once had the urge to record a sub-par rap album.

Furthermore, no matter where Amaechi played, he always felt "awkward and out of place" on the court, adding that he was "never really certain if [he] was a center or a power forward."

"I had no idea," former Cavaliers teammate Terrell Brandon said. "Sure, I saw John around the Cavaliers, but I didn't want to jump to any conclusions. He was tall, yeah, but he didn't look like a basketball player. He didn't act like a basketball player. And just because he hung around with a lot of basketball players and sometimes wore flashy jewelry, that didn't necessarily mean he was one, y'know?"

"In his book, Amaechi states that he even hid his occupation from his parents because he "came from a traditional British household" and his parents would not have approved of their son being an NBA player. Amaechi admits he was constantly worried during the Jazz's nationally televised playoff series with the Sacramento Kings in 2002, because cameras panning over to the bench could have revealed to his family and friends at home that he was in the NBA.

"The last thing you want is for them to find out that way," said Amaechi, who claims his parents have been "very supportive and accepting, although they don't understand why someone would want that kind of life."

Acquired Tastes: The Onion Dispatch

Longtime readers of this blog would know that I love reading ESPN Page2 columnist Bill Simmons. Simmons might not always be astute in sporting matters, but he is always entertaining. Eerily enough, here's another sign that the Apocalypse is upon us: Bill Simmons, meet The Onion.

Confused Bill Simmons Picks The Departed To Win Super Bowl

Inner-City Teacher Inspires Students To Stab Him

And for all those people who were subjected to the dreary dreck that lazy inspirational teacher movies have degenerated into, here's one for the books. Enjoy!

Acquired Tastes: The Onion Dispatch

Many serious sports pundits have weighed in on the pros and cons of Beckham's move to the United States, but it should come as no surprise that it takes a website such as The Onion to sum up the situation so well. After all, the situation is slightly ridiculous. Enjoy!

MLS Signs David Beckham To 12-Team, $250 Million Deal