Outlaws? No, In-Laws!

This article appears in this month's issue of Baby Magazine, and is lovingly dedicated to all in-laws we may have wished, at one time or another, to outlaw. Enjoy!

During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died.
With death certificates in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the states for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the states for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00.
The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.

George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."

The Consul, after hearing this, says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."

"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance."

Many married couples believe that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, mostly on the part of their in-laws. There is little in married life that recalls the full weight of the sanctity of holy matrimony than the certainty that you just didn’t marry your spouse. You married an entire family.

Fortunately, families that are united in love can be quite delightful. Even better, loving families are very much like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

Like all sweet indulgences, it is important to remember your in-laws are like chocolate fudge brownies. They’re mostly sweet, but can be a bit nutty.

Here are some tips for dealing even with the most difficult in-laws.

 First, set boundaries. Remember that for many doting grandparents, their task is to spoil the grandkids. The parents, on the other hand, are tasked to raise them. Forget about railing at the sheer injustice of the situation. Forget about the years of deprivation that your own parents made you go through. Forget about the indestructible Gregg leather shoes you wore throughout grade school, or the fact that your allowance was not subject to fundamental economic forces such as inflation, but to impossibly high academic standards in school.

It’s a whole new ballgame. Even your own parents will tend towards spoiling your kids. Accept the new world order and plan accordingly. If your parents and in-laws turn nutty in the face of prepubescent precociousness, then make allowances for their temporary insanity.

Give them a simple set of rules to regulate their behavior. In this sense, it is best to be guided by the spirit of Chesterton’s observations on the Ten Commandments:

“The truth is, of course, that the curtness of the Ten Commandments is an evidence, not of the gloom and narrowness of a religion, but, on the contrary, of its liberality and humanity. It is shorter to state the things forbidden than the things permitted: precisely because most things are permitted, and only a few things are forbidden.”

Of course, if they are not in a philosophical frame of mind, you might have to observe the other Chesterton quotation on the Ten Commandments:

“If men will not be governed by the Ten Commandments, they shall be governed by the ten thousand commandments.”

Explain, gently and with great patience, if not compassion, that these rules will allow them to spend more time with their grandkids. Make the correlation between kind consideration and quality time with the grandkids explicit. In most circumstances, regardless of living arrangements, the parents have direct control of access to the grandkids. Use it.

“No sweets after 4 pm.”

“Toys may be purchased only in the presence of the parents.”

“Meal times should be followed at all times.”

Second, always invite your in-laws to share their own experiences in rearing a child. Ideally, this should be done even before the grandkids are born.

This has two purposes. If your in-laws were hands-on parents, then they would have a lot of practical knowledge to share. You married their child, after all. If your spouse turned out well, and there seems to be no logical reason to enter into a loving union with a psychopath, you might want to find out just how they turned out the miracle that is the love of your life.

If they, on the other hand, weren’t hands-on parents, their dearth of practical knowledge will at least deter them from forcing their opinions upon the rearing of their beloved grandkids. Of course, ignorance has never prevented people from expressing their opinions. Still, as with gifts that cannot be measured in terms of monetary value, it’s the thought that counts. At the very least, your in-laws cannot claim that they were never consulted.

Third, try to waste time with your in-laws. Unfortunately, most parents really do start out by believing that no one is good enough for their little boy or girl. Thus, many young couples find themselves in a Catch-22 situation. If their fledgling efforts at building their nest fail, they reaffirm the mistaken beliefs of their parents. If they seem to succeed, they inadvertently hurt their parents by making it seem that they are no longer needed.

How do we address the fears of your in-laws then? Antoine de Saint Exupery once observed “It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.” Spend time getting to know them. Try to avoid making overt gestures at bonding with your father-in-law or mother-in-law. Rather, ask if you could join them as they go about their daily activities. Hear mass with them. Help them putter about in the garden. Meet up for a cup of coffee.

Your in-laws need to be reassured that they can still play a vital role in their child’s new family. They need to know that their opinions still matter. They need to feel that they didn’t lose a daughter or a son: they gained a family.

To this end, it is important to remind them of how the quotation from The Little Prince ends:

“Men have forgotten this truth,” said the fox. “But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose . . .”

It isn’t just the relationship between husband and wife that’s supposed to last forever. We also need to live happily ever after with our in-laws.