Crimes Against Humanity: Stupid Books

Every once in a while, I come across an article, or an idea for an article, that I wish that I had thought of first. Just as infrequently, I sometimes come across an article that reflects a refreshing amount of candor or courage that I would normally take a pass on. At any rate, the following article (which was first printed in Luke McKinney's blog, then reprinted in Cracked, is one of those rarities: an article that I wish I had thought of first, but would probably not have written in the way that it eventually turned out.

The premise?

The printing press has been hailed as the most important invention in history, allowing smarter people to share their ideas with other less smart people. Unfortunately one of the ideas they shared was "printing presses" and since then the device has been abused to wreak such horrors as to make nuclear power look like an innocent and harmless kitten-based technology. In this series I'll be looking at books so hideously opposed to the idea of knowledge that every time one is sold, a scientist loses his lab coat.

The book?

"Winning Lotto/Lottery for Everyday players, 3rd edition" by Professor Jones

The scathing commentary? (And yes, this is the fun, not for kids under the age of 13 part.)

The use of "everyday players" conjures the absurd vision that lives in the minds of the target market, that they are mere regular players while a secret cabal of professionals keep scooping all the jackpots. Why, if only they had access to some kind of inside knowledge they could make it too!

and

3rd. Goddamn. Edition. I have no idea what possible refinements to lotto-winning technology the author could be adding each time, short of scribbling "hahaha, oh god this is working I can't believe it's working" all over the proof copy before sending it back to the printers. A third edition of anything hasn't damaged my faith in humanity so much since the Daily Mail ran their "Princess Diana - still dead" memorial in 2000.

and

If you can get past the title, the back-cover blurb is an even richer treasure trove of anti-logic weaponry designed purely to annoy anybody capable of thought, though we may be able to use them to confuse the machines once they take over. Professor Jones proudly claims to have designed dozens of lotto-predicting programs, another sanity-shattering "the very fact I can make twenty proves they're all crap" claim, before promising to reveal the secrets of interpreting your dreams for winning lotto numbers. I hate to break it to you but if the best your conscious mind can come up with is "buy a book about how to win the lotto written by someone who has not done so", then your unconscious is unlikely to be some unharnessed money making probability superpredictor.

The odd moment of clarity and insight?

This book is simply cruel. Buying a lotto ticket may be a tax on people who don't understand statistics, but it still provides that momentary hope, the few seconds of dreaming and a pleasant image. This book specifically harnesses and murders those hopes, telling the reader that playing the lotto is actually a valid financial strategy and something that can be worked at rather than the moments harmless escapism it is. When you're taking the money while killing the dreams of those left with nothing to hope for but winning the lottery, you have officially reached the rank of King Bastard.

Photo Credits:

Picture of Winning Lotto/Lottery for Everyday players, 3rd edition" by Professor Jones comes courtesy of Amazon.